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Humor
Absolute proof of marriage in the Animal
Kingdom,
Submitted by Michael Lydon - click
here for the proof
Stress diet:
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during a day of
competitive shooting.
Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts,
cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and
cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled
backwards is desserts.
Back to the top
George Carlin Ruminations
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman
around to hear him -- is he still wrong?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
##
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do
you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when
we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm
four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four
and a half, going on five! That's
the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm
gonna be 16!" You could be 13,
but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ... you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony ... YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what
happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes,
it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are
gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60.
You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it
doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If
you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That
is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The
grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about
the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. "An
idle mind is the devil's workshop." And
the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh
! until yo u gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure,
grieve, and move on. The only
person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8.
Cherish your health: If it is good,
preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.
9
Don't take guilt trips.. Take a
trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where
the guilt is.
10.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away.
Back to the top
Think about it, submitted by Anne
If
you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kittylitter?
If
you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
Is
it OK to use the a.m. radio after noon?
What
do chickens think we taste like?
What
do people in China call their good plates?
Why
didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why
are there Interstates in Hawaii?
How
does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why
is a bra singular and panties plural?
If
a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom
fighter fight?
If
they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If
a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
Why
do they put Braille dots on the keypads of drive-up ATM's?
Why
is that when you transport something by car it's called shipment, but when you
transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why
don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What
would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If
con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If
flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Back to the top
"TOP
35 OXYMORONS:"
35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Amtrak schedule
19. Military intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Compassionate conservative
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
And the No. 1 oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works
Back to the top
Proof
of marriage in the Animal Kingdom...
Back to the top
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Shooting tips of the
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Shotgun Shells
See Endorsements for Clenzoil...
The
Road to Yesterday
by Dick Baldwin
A book of absolute joy! for Trapshooting
enthusiast
Spolar
Shooting tips of the
Century...
The most committed win!
Yes...
you can!
Go ahead risk it, say hello!
There's always Today!
"If you think you
can, or if you think you can't... you're right!"
Do it big, or stay in bed.
Be anchored to
some ideal, philosophy or cause that keeps you too excited to sleep.
Practice being excited!
Have the guts to go!
More powerful than the will to win is
the courage to begin
Do one thing after
another, one at a time.
Never try to catch two frogs with one
hand
When one must,
one can!
Change your thoughts and you change
your world.
Your friend is
the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
Shoot as if it is impossible to fail!
When things go
wrong, don't go with them!
Forget tomorrow, today is the day!
Don't fear what you
want.
He conquers who endures!
Big shots are only
little shots who keep shooting!
The real sin is to persuade
oneself that the second best is anything but second best.
Success seems to be
largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
"To be what we are, and to become what
we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life"
Robert Louis Stevenson
If you always do
what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got!
“Far
better it is to dare mighty things,
even though checkered by failure,
than to live in that gray twilight that
knows neither victory nor defeat...”
Teddy Roosevelt
Gun control is not
about guns;
it's about control!
Press on!
Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not:
Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will
not: unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not:
the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination
alone are omnipotent!
Hit just one more
target, why not!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get
greased, it often gets replaced.
From self alone
expect applause.
Some Brain food:
We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence then is not an act, but a habit...
Aristotle |
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